Oh...but wait, I do. This is where --
I never do anything without passion, without purpose, without an urge. And right now, I just know I have to get this all down in words, because words is the only way I can come close to describing my feelings today and I need to remember this for myself, maybe not forever, but for one of those days when life feels void of something and everything and nothing.
I can't remember the last time I got enough sleep. I don't know if I ate that donut yesterday morning or this morning. I might have skipped my shower two days in a row. And I have yet to pay my rent, which was due two days ago.
I am bewitched.
Or rather, infatuated.
Not by a person, but by the subject of art; in my world, fashion. But I hate that word, fashion. Only a few select really understand that word, that world. The rest know it only by its superficiality although it has absolutely nothing to do with it in essence. But that's another story.
Today was the most exhilarating day of my career. Today, I was given full control over a major look book photo-shoot at an outerwear company I work at called SNOWMAN New York. From finding the models, make-up artists to styling and everything else in between, I got to direct the entire thing. Pressure is where I become alive and creation is where I breathe. I certainly didn't mind bossing everyone around for the day.
I was so high. I didn't need anything or anyone at that moment but making my imaginations come to life. Because for that split moment, I forgot everything but this instant right before my eyes. It was like an intense laser zoom focused on one point and everything else was blurred to nonexistence. And the moment the shoot ended, I needed it to happen all over again. Addiction.
But frankly, I was more in awe of my desires coming to life.
I have endless lists with endless categories of desires. One of those categories of those lists is people I want to know or work with.
Karl Lagerfeld being, of course, at the top of the list.
Carine Roitfeld a step ahead of Anna Wintour.
Olivier Rousteing following close behind; no one can resist those dimples although he seems quite neurotic. And Caroline de Maigret, too. Something about the French is so irresistible although I never seem to get along with those pompous things. A sub-category of that list holds a group of models I want to meet. And can you believe I met one from my list today?
Tiana Zarlin. Ever since I saw her on the show, "The Face," I wanted to work with her. Her elegance and grace would make any outfit sublime. And she listens, which is most important trait for this industry. Perhaps I'm being much too favorable because she is part Korean and German, like me. But no matter.
But it's funny when you meet someone well-known. They are normal. Almost too normal. Then I immediately find them a bit of a bore. But no matter. I hardly know them. I also saw Jonah Hill today during the shoot in Soho. He looked like any other fat man I know. But no matter.
The model and I talked and it was absolutely bizarre because I used to wonder what I would say if I ever ran into her. Instead, I spent eight hours with her: talking, dressing, freezing in the cold, mostly working. Bizarre, I knew I was at the right moment at the right place with the right people. Bizarre.
A few weeks ago, I went in for an interview at InStyle Magazine. I wanted the job only to possess, not to be possessed by -- a reminder of the slight greed in me for possessions. The lack of creativity would suffocate me to insanity, of course. But I could deal for a bit, I kept telling myself, for the sake of possessing.
I didn't get the job. They said I was over-qualified. They kept asking me why I would leave my current job to do such menial tasks. They kept probing and probing. I suppose my answer wasn't plausible. Well, I didn't want to leave my current job. I was only just beginning to be fond of it. Guess I'm not the best liar. Over qualification? Bullshit. That is the corporate's way of rejection. Bull to the shit. Anyhow, I kept telling myself that money and title is worthless without passion.
But I know why I didn't get the job. I wouldn't be feeling this. I wouldn't be writing this! Imagine living a life of numbness, being paralyzed and stupefied. How dull! I'd rather face death.
But it doesn't stop there, it doesn't stop today. So many more things to come. Tomorrow, I am working with someone I've ran into on the street once. I've thought of our encounter many times and never did I imagine we'd be working together...or perhaps I did, in my dream.
|Tiana Zarlin on the right.|
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